Supporting Friends Dealing with Infertility

Laurel Shaler writes with transparency and wisdom. In this positive Relationships UPGRADE, she encourages women who struggle with infertility.

“It’s tough to share about infertility,” Laurel says. “As a woman, it’s easy to think something is wrong with me … if children are a blessing to the Lord, why can’t I conceive? I can’t speak for everyone who goes through this journey, but I know having support from loved ones helps tremendously.”

As I (Dawn) have watched friends and loved ones deal with this painful topic, I know what Laurel says is true. This is not something people should go through alone. But most of us need help to understand how we can be supportive.

Laurel continues . . .

We may never know why some couples who long for a child are not able to conceive, but we do know that God is good. He is faithful. He can still bless us, and use us to bless others.

Infertility can be a thorn in the flesh, but we know that suffering leads to hope, and hope never disappoints (Romans 5:3-5).  

So, what do you need to know in order to support your friends who are dealing with infertility? Here are a few tips:

1. We are all different.

Our reactions are all different. Some couples who experience infertility are emotionally impacted when a friend announces a pregnancy or when attending a baby shower. Some don’t enjoy attending children’s birthday parties or working in the church nursery. I personally rejoice over all of this, but we are all different.

Be sensitive to your friends who are walking down this difficult path.

Be understanding when someone has a difficult time celebrating your pregnancy or attending your baby shower or child’s birthday party. (And, I also encourage those who are experiencing infertility to try and find the joy in those precious moments, and to rejoice with those who rejoice!)

2. Be cautious with your questions.

I have been asked all sorts of questions. Examples include:

• Are you going to have children?
• When are you going to have children?
• Have you considered adoption?
• Are you trying to have children?
• Are you doing anything to prevent pregnancy?
• What about IVF?

I am sure some of these questions are based simply on curiosity, while others are pretty personal. It is always surprising to me when someone asks questions that are actually related to my intimate life.

To be quite frank, none of this is anyone’s business. It is very likely that if you are close enough with someone, they will share some of this with you.

Please be cautious with your questions and allow your friends to share with you what they want to share in their own time.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

You may think you know someone’s story. You may think you know why someone doesn’t have any children. The fact is you may not know the whole story.

I have had a number of friends who experienced secondary infertility. Since they already had one child, people would frequently question when they would have more children—not knowing they had either experienced miscarriages or that they were unable to conceive again. Infertility is not just experienced by childless couples.

God has a different plan for every couple. How can you show God’s love, pray for your friends, and be there to support those facing infertility?

Dr. Laurel Shaler is a licensed social worker and nationally certified counselor. She is a faculty member at Liberty University, and is in the process of adopting with her husband, Lt. Nicholas Shaler. Visit her website: www.drlaurelshaler.com